
What’s Happening is a free service of Columbia Gorge News and may be edited for length. Notices run as space allows. Send to kelsiec@gorgenews.com . Community Events Nov. 30 - Jan 3 – Skamania Lodge Holiday Light Walk, 4:30 p.m-9 p.m., nightly, at the Skamania County Lodge, 1131 SW Skamania Lodge Way in Stevenson. Dec. 8 & 15 – Photos with Santa, 10 a.m. – 3 p.m., at Cousin’s Restaurant and Saloon, 2114 West Sixth St. in The Dalles. Dec. 9 — The Wasco County Board of Commissioners Special Session, 1:30 p.m. at 401 E. Third St., The Dalles, or via Zoom, wascocounty-org.zoom.us/j/2919733815 or call in to 1-253-215-8782 Meeting ID: 2919733815#. Dec. 9 – Free Presentation: Get me through the holidays: coping with loss on days that hold special meaning, 1 – 2:30 p.m., at the Hood River Valley Adult Center, 2010 Sterling Place in Hood River. Open to anyone in the community, no registration required. Dec. 9 — Monthly Grief Group, 1:30-2:30 p.m. at the White Salmon Pioneer Center, 501 NE Washington St. For anyone grieving a loss. More info at maggie@maggieconverse.com or 503-395-4738. Dec. 10 — Odell Garden Club Meeting, 10 a.m. at the Hood River County Fairgrounds Community Building. For more info, contact President Norma Curtis, 541-806-1019 or nlcurtis@hrecn.net . Meets second Tuesday of the month. Dec. 10 — Mid-Columbia Center for Living Regular Board Meeting, 11 a.m. in room 107, 1060 Webber St., The Dalles, or via Teams meeting, bit.ly/3VaelHa . Second Tuesday of the month. Dec 10 — Survivors of Suicide Loss Support Group, 5:30-630 p.m. Meets second Tuesday of the month. Email belinda.ballah@hoodrivercounty.gov for more info. Dec. 11 — Back to Life Biochar Hands-On Workshop, noon to 4 p.m. in the Husum area. Underwood Conservation District’s Winter Workshop Series. In person, registration required at www.ucdwa.org . Dec. 11 – Sense of Place 15th Anniversary Season presentation, 7p.m., at Columba Center for the Arts, 215 Cascade Ave., Hood River, or via livestream. “The Wolf Next Door: A Community Perspective on the Return of Wolves,” with Lara Volski, PhD Student of Human-Wildlife Interactions. Season 15 ticket information is available online at senseofplacegorge.org and via a monthly newsletter. Dec. 12 — High Prairie Bingo Night, 6-8 p.m. at 701 Struck Road (between Lyle and Centerville). Food and drinks for sale, cash prizes; minors must be accompanied by an adult 18 or over. Dec. 12 – Mid Columbia Community Choir “A Star is Arising” Benefit Concert, 7 p.m. at Grace Baptist Church, 1280 W. Jewett Blvd in White Salmon. A free will donation to support WAGAP and Fish Food Bank will be accepted at the event. Dec. 12 – Mid-Columbia Community Choir Benefit Concert: Bethlehem Lullaby, 7 p.m. at Grace Baptist Church, 1280 W. Jewett Blvd., in White Salmon. Dec. 13 – CGOA Voic Community Choir Holiday Pops concert, 7 p.m., Hood River Valley Christian Church, 975 Indian Creek Road in Hood River. Dec. 13-14, 20-21 — A Christmas Story, 7 p.m. at The Bingen Theater. Matinee performances Dec. 8 and 15 at 1:30 p.m. Directed by Joe Garoutte; family friendly. Tickets at www.bigbritches.org . Dec. 14 — WAAAM Second Saturday, 10 a.m. to 2 p.m. at the museum, 1600 Air Museum Road, Hood River. Different theme each month; see old technology in action. Dec. 14 – Holiday Fun Run, 10 a.m., at the Skamania Lodge, 1131 SW Skamania Lodge Way in Stevenson. Come dressed your festive holiday wear. Admission is $15 for adults, $10 for Children. Tickets available at Skamania.com . Profits support the Stevenson volunteer firefighter association. Dec. 14 – Gateway Christmas Fair/Workshop, 10 a.m. – 2 p.m., Gateway Church, 111 Dry Hollow Road in The Dalles. Event is free and for all ages. Children under 12 must be accompanied by and adult. For more info, contact 541-298-8531. www.gatewaypc.org . Dec. 14 – Santa’s Big Day, 11 a.m. – 7 p.m., at the White Salmon Masonic Lodge. Digital photos with Santa. Event is free and family friendly. For more info, contact Ivy Carpe at hiddengemeventsnmore@gmail.com or visit hiddengemeventsnmore@gmail.com Dec. 14 – Holiday Gift Workshop, 12 – 2 p.m. at The Dalles Public Library meeting room, 722 Court Street in The Dalles. Holiday gift related crafts. Event is all ages. Dec. 14 – 2024 Handel’s Christmas Messiah Concert, 1 p.m. and 6 p.m. at Zion Lutheran Church, 10th and Union St. in The Dalles. Concert is put on by The Dalles Cascade Singers. Dec. 14 – Gift of Music with John Ross, 5 – 7 p.m. in the Gorge Room at Skamania Lodge, at the Skamania County Lodge, 1131 SW Skamania Lodge Way in Stevenson. Dec. 14-15 — Last Chance Holiday Bazaar, 10-4 p.m. Saturday and 10-3 p.m. Sunday at the Hood River County Fairgrounds, 3020 Wy’east Road. Dec. 15. – CGOA Voci Community Choir Holiday Pops concert, 2 p.m. Old St. Peter’s Landmark, 405 Lincoln Street in The Dalles Dec. 15 — Lyle Lions Club Meeting, 6 p.m. at the Lyle Lions Community Center, corner of Fifth and Highway 14. First and third Monday. Dec. 15 – Patrick Lamb’s Charlie Brown Christmas, 6:30 – 8 p.m., at Hood River Middle School auditorium, 1602 May Street in Hood River. Admission is $20. Tickets can be purchased at www.eventbrite.com/e/a-patrick-lamb-charlie-brown-christmas-tickets-1064480322299?aff=oddtdtcreator. Dec 17 — Mid-Columbia Car Club Meeting, 5 p.m. social / 6 p.m. meeting at Spooky’s Pizza, 3320 W. Sixth, The Dalles. Meets third Tuesday of the month. Dec 18 — Columbia Gorge Beekeepers Association Meeting, 6 p.m. at the Hood River Extension, 2990 Experiment Station Drive. All are welcome. Visitors may attend in person or via Zoom; info at admin@gorgebeekeepers.org . Dec. 19 – Hood River Adult Grief Group, 4:30-5:30pm. Meets 1st and 3rd Thursdays, November 2024-February 2025. Registration required. To register or for more information, contact Haley at Providence Hospice of the Gorge at 541-387-6449 Dec. 19 — Heritage Council Board Meeting, 5 p.m. at the History Museum of Hood River County, 300 E. Port Marina Way, Hood River. Public welcome to attend. New board members, volunteers needed. Third Thursday of the month. Dec. 20 & 21 – Gorge Winds Concert Band Christmas Concert, 7 p.m. on Friday, 3 p.m. on Saturday, at The Dalles First Christian Church, 909 Court St. in The Dalles. Donations appreciate. Thru Dec. 22 — Handmade for Holidays at Columbia Center for the Arts, 215 Cascade Ave., Hood River. Artists market; small art pieces of many types on display and for sale in the gallery. Jan. 2 — Criminal Records Expungement Clinic, 2-5 p.m. at The Dalles Public Library, 722 Court St., The Dalles. Free legal assistance to apply to set aside Oregon criminal records. Clinics are every first Thursday. No appointment necessary. For more information, email lynnmarie.crider@gmail.com . Jan. 2 – Hood River Adult Grief Group, 4:30 – 5:30 p.m., meets 1st and 3rd Thursdays, November 2024-February 2025. Registration required. To register or for more information, contact Haley at Providence Hospice of the Gorge at 541-387-6449. Jan. 2 — NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) of the Gorge, 6:15-7:45 p.m. at Dalles-Wasco County Library meeting room. For info, call Barbara at 541-980-7264. Jan. 4 — Lyle Lions Club Pancake Breakfast, 7-10 a.m. at Lyle Lions Community Center, corner of Fifth and Highway 14. Adults $10, children 6-12 $5, under 5 free. Eggs and omelets cooked to order and endless pancakes. Jan. 4 — Leos Club Can and Bottle Collection, 9 a.m. to noon at Rosauers, Hood River. Supports local nonprofits. Jan. 4 – Mt. Adams Little League Christmas Tree Pick-up Fundraiser, 9 – 4 p.m. White Salmon/Bingen, Husum, Underwood, Mill-A and Lyle residents can call or text 360-831-7421, to arrange for pick up for $20. Trees must be free of decorations. Jan. 6 – Hood River Adult Grief Group, 4:30 – 5:30 p.m., meets 1st and 3rd Thursdays, November 2024-February 2025. Registration required. To register or for more information, contact Haley at Providence Hospice of the Gorge at 541-387-6449. Jan. 6 — Lyle Lions Club Meeting, 6 p.m. at the Lyle Lions Community Center, corner of Fifth and Highway 14. First and third Monday. Jan. 8 — Criminal Records Expungement Clinic, 3-6 p.m. at 601 Cascade Ave., Hood River. Free legal assistance to apply to set aside Oregon criminal records. Clinics are typically every first Wednesday. No appointment necessary. For more information, email lynnmarie.crider@gmail.com . Jan. 9 — High Prairie Bingo Night, 6-8 p.m. at 701 Struck Road (between Lyle and Centerville). Food and drinks for sale, cash prizes; minors must be accompanied by an adult 18 or over. Jan. 13 — Friends of the Library, 11 a.m. in the Jean Marie Gaulke Room, Hood River Library; public welcome. More at hoodriverlibrary.org/friends . Jan. 13 — Monthly Grief Group, 1:30-2:30 p.m. at the White Salmon Pioneer Center, 501 NE Washington St. For anyone grieving a loss. More info at maggie@maggieconverse.com or 503-395-4738. Jan 14 — Odell Garden Club Meeting, 10 a.m. at the Hood River County Fairgrounds Community Building. For more info, contact President Norma Curtis, 541-806-1019 or nlcurtis@hrecn.net . Meets second Tuesday of the month. Jan. 14 — Survivors of Suicide Loss Support Group, 5:30-630 p.m. Meets second Tuesday of the month. Email belinda.ballah@hoodrivercounty.gov for more info. Jan. 15 — Columbia Gorge Beekeepers Association Meeting, 6 p.m. at the Hood River Extension, 2990 Experiment Station Drive. All are welcome. Visitors may attend in person or via Zoom; info at admin@gorgebeekeepers.org . Jan. 16 — Heritage Council Board Meeting, 5 p.m. at the History Museum of Hood River County, 300 E. Port Marina Way, Hood River. Public welcome to attend. New board members, volunteers needed. Third Thursday of the month. Jan. 16 — More than Flowers: What your Landscape Needs to Support Pollinators, 6 p.m. at the White Salmon Valley Library. Underwood Conservation District’s Winter Workshop Series; with Matthew Shephard from the Xerces Society for Invertebrate Conservation. Register at www.ucdwa.org/winter-workshop-series . Jan. 20 – Rotary Ski Night at Mt. Hood Meadows, 3 – 9 p.m., at Mt. Hood Meadows, 14040 OR-35, Mt Hood, Oregon. Portion of the ticket sales will be donated to the Hood River Rotary Club. Night lift tickets are on sale with dynamic early pricing at www.skihood.com/explore/Events-and-Activities/Rotary-Night Jan. 20 — Lyle Lions Club Meeting, 6 p.m. at the Lyle Lions Community Center, corner of Fifth and Highway 14. First and third Monday. Jan. 21 — Mid-Columbia Car Club Meeting, 5 p.m. social / 6 p.m. meeting at Spooky’s Pizza, 3320 W. Sixth, The Dalles. Meets third Tuesday of the month. Feb. 19 — Soil! What it is and How it Works, 6 p.m. at the Mountain View Grange, 1085 N. Main Ave., White Salmon. Underwood Conservation District’s Winter Workshop Series; with James Cassidy, instructor of soil science, Oregon State University. Register at www.ucdwa.org/winter-workshop-series . Ongoing First Monday — Adult Writers Group, 5:30-7 p.m. at The Dalles-Wasco County Library. Third Monday — Hands On Maker Monday, 3:30 p.m. at The Dalles Public Library. With OSU Extension and 4-H. For kids, teens and adults. Projects like leatherworking, sewing, candle making, cake decorating and more. Mondays – Cascade Singers Rehearsal, 6:30 p.m. at Zion Lutheran Church, 101 West 10th Street in The Dalles. Mondays — Columbia Gorge Orchestra Association Voci Community Choir Rehearsals, 6:30-8:30 p.m. at Hood River Valley High School. All welcome. Questions to info@gorgeorchestra.org . Monday thru Friday — NU-2-U Shop Open, 10 a.m. to 3 p.m. at the Mid-Columbia Senior Center, 1112 W. Ninth St., The Dalles. Shop is a nonprofit store that supports the Mid-Columbia Senior Center. More information at 541-296-4788. Monday & Wednesday — Senior Meals, noon at The Pioneer Center, White Salmon. Doors open at 8 a.m. Suggested donation for seniors 60 and over is $3.50, all others $6.50. All welcome. Monday, Wednesday and Friday — Strong Women, 10-11 a.m. at the Cascade Locks City Hall. Monday thru Friday — Klickitat Senior Services Telephone Support, 8 a.m. to 5 p.m.; Goldendale, 509-773-3757; White Salmon, 509-493-3068; or Toll Free, 1- 800-447-7858. Staff will direct callers to available resources, assist with online benefit applications and issues with Social Security and Medicare. Seniors can also call for essential grocery delivery, prescription pickup or food bank needs. Tuesday — Senior Meals, noon at the Lyle Lions Community Center. Doors open at 10 a.m. Suggested donation for seniors 60 and over is $3.50, all others $6.50. All welcome. Tuesdays — Senior Meals, 11 a.m. at Mt. Hood Town Hall, 6575 Mount Hood Highway, Mt. Hood-Parkdale. Meals served at noon. In conjunction with Hood River Valley Adult Center; suggested $5 donation. Tuesdays — White Salmon-Bingen Rotary Club, noon to 1 p.m. Learn more at www.whitesalmon-bingenrotary.org , www.facebook.com/whitesalmonbingenrotaryclub , or email rotary.club.323@gmail.com . Tuesdays — Overeater’s Anonymous, 5:30-6:30 p.m. at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Ninth and State streets, Hood River. For more info contact Rebecca at 510-861-2212. Tuesdays — Harmony of the Gorge, 6-8 p.m. at Providence Down Manor, Hood River. Please check the website for rehearsal details at www.harmonyofthegorge.com ; info at 541-490-2481. Tuesdays — Al-Anon Meeting, 7 p.m. at St. Mark’s Episcopal Church, 400 11th St., Hood River. Tuesdays — Columbia Gorge Orchestra Association Sinfonietta Rehearsals, 7-9 p.m. at Hood River Valley High School (music room). All welcome. Questions to info@gorgeorchestra.org . Tuesday & Thursday — Senior Meals, noon at the Goldendale Community Center. Doors open at 8 a.m. Suggested donation for seniors 60 and over is $3.50, all others $6.50. All welcome. Tuesdays thru Fridays — Senior Chair Yoga, 9:15 a.m. at Zion Lutheran Church, fourth floor, The Dalles. Cost is $4 per class. Contact debra.lutje@gmail.com for info. Wednesdays — Fitness Classes: Mat Pilates, 8:30 a.m. at Lutheran Church, Bingen; Barre 5 p.m. at Mt. View Grange, White Salmon. Loyalty, drop in rates available. ACE certified, longtime local fitness instructor. Call Caroline Elliott, 509-637-3162, for info. Wednesdays — Radio Tierra Storytime, 9:30 a.m. on Radio Tierra 95.1 FM; songs, stories and announcements for all kiddos who haven’t begun school. Wednesdays — The Dalles Rotary Club, noon at Spooky’s; visitors welcome. Wednesdays — Writing Group, 3-4 p.m. at the Hood River County Library, Columbia Room. Second Wednesday — Dufur Recreation District Meeting, 7 p.m. at Dufur City Hall. Visit website www.dufurcitypark.org for agenda and virtual attendance information. Thursdays — Hood River Art Club, 10 a.m. to 1 p.m. at the FISH Food Bank Community Room, 1130 Tucker Road, Hood River. For more information contact Kori Walsh at Heronbird@aol.com . Thursdays — Hood River Toastmasters Club, 6:30-8 a.m. via Zoom and in-person at Bette’s Place, downtown Hood River. Drop in or email HRToastmasters@proton.me for link. Improve public speaking, listening and leadership skills. Thursdays — Take Pounds Off Sensible (TOPS) Support Group, 8:30 a.m. weigh-in and 9 a.m. meeting at Zion Church, 10th and Union, The Dalles. First meeting is free. Thursdays — Family Storytime, 10:30 a.m. at the Hood River Library. Free, open to all ages. Thursdays — Recovery Café, 1-6 p.m. at the White Salmon Grange. Dinner served; recovery circle 5-6 p.m. All welcome. Thursdays — The Dalles Kiwanis Club Meetings, noon at Spooky’s; visitors welcome. For more information go to www.thedalleskiwanis.org/ or The-Dalles-Kiwanis-Club on Facebook. Thursdays — Thursday Night Bingo, 5:30 p.m. at Mid-Columbia Senior Center, 1112 W. Ninth St., The Dalles. Doors open 4 p.m. Must be 18 or over. $10 minimum buy-in. Third Thursday — West Klickitat Regional Fire Authority Board Meeting, 6:30 p.m. at the White Salmon Fire Station at 119 NE Church St. Thursday, Friday and Saturday — Hood River Valley Adult Center Thrift Shop, 10 a.m. to 3 p.m. Proceeds benefit Meals on Wheels. Third Fridays - Community Game Day, 1 p.m. at the Lyle Lions Community Center, Fifth and Highway 14. Play scrabble, cribbage or bring your own favorite. Coffee and cookies will be offered. Fridays — Community Playgroup, 10-11:30 a.m. at Hood River Early Childhood Center (formerly Pine Grove Elementary). Free, follows school calendar. For children 0-5 and their parents. For info call 541-386-4919. Fridays — Storytime in Cascade Locks and Parkdale, 10:30 a.m. at the library branches in those communities. Includes parent playgroups. Fridays — Reflections on the Life of the Spirit, 1 p.m. at the United Methodist church in White Salmon, 341 N. Main Ave. Hosted by Baha’is of White Salmon. Explore spiritual identity and what it means to be human. For more information, contact White Salmon Bahá’ís at 509-637-3311. Fridays — Fun Friday, 3-4:30 p.m. at The Dalles Library. For kids 5-10 in the John and Jean Thomas Children’s Wing. Arts, crafts, games; each week is different and always fun. Saturdays — Makerspace, 10 a.m. to 2 p.m. at the Hood River Library and Crafty Saturdays at the Cascade Locks and Parkdale library branches (same times). Free, for children. Saturdays — Grief Share, 10 a.m. to noon at Tucker Road Baptist Church, 1455 Tucker Road, Hood River. All welcome. Info at 541-386-1049. Saturdays — Chess Lessons, 1 p.m. at The Dalles Library. Free, for all ages and skill levels, beginners to advanced. Register at wascocountylibrary.com/events . Saturdays – Teen Programs, 2 p.m. at the Hood River Co. Library, 502 State St. Pick one or all that look fun and be creative, volunteer, play games, discuss books and eat snacks. Open to ages 12-18. For more info, contact Teen Librarian Rachel or go to hoodriverlibrary.org . Saturdays — Bingo, 5:30-8 p.m. at the Mid-Columbia Senior Center, 1112 W. Ninth, The Dalles. Doors open 4 p.m.; new players should arrive by 5 p.m. Ages 8-18 must be accompanied by legal guardian. Minimum buy-in $6. Cash prizes, dinner concessions. Saturdays — Bingo, 6 p.m. at the Hood River Elks, Third and Cascade. Elks/Knights of Columbus scholarship fundraiser supports scholarships and charities. Progressive blackout prize, dinner available for purchase; 18 and older. Saturdays — Hood River Farmers’ Market, 9 a.m. to 1 p.m. at the Fifth and Columbia parking lot, across from Full Sail Brewing. Sundays — Pickup Basketball, 1 p.m. at the Horizon Christian gym, Hood River. Players 18 and older, $3/visit. Sundays — Columbia Gorge Orchestra Association Jazz Collective Rehearsals, 4-6 p.m. at WAAAM. All welcome. Questions to info@gorgeorchestra.org . Sundays — Cascade Singers Rehearsal, 7 p.m. at Zion Lutheran, The Dalles (10th and Union streets).
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(Image: Private Media/Zennie) One of the great things about becoming a parent is you learn you are not the lead character in your own life story. The best you can hope for is a supporting role. As your children grow older, you become a featured player, provide comic relief or maybe get the occasional non-speaking walk-on as someone’s butler or maid. Towards the end, you’re earning two dollars a day as a background extra and aren’t allowed to eat in the catering tent. At the beginning though, when your name’s still above the title, your job is to try and create an ideal world for those with whom you’re sharing the bill. At the same time you’re building this safe fairytale space where bad things don’t happen, you have to equip them with all the skills they’ll need to live in the world as it really is: a meaningless roundelay of happenstance that can only be made sense of by one’s actions (or distractions). That’s the trick with rearing children. You’ve got to keep them as innocent as possible without bedding in a naiveté that will render them crushed once they find out sunshine and lollipops give them skin cancer and diabetes. Da pacem, Domine: Why Trump is what democracy needs Read More Self-awareness is an essential part of the human condition, but you don’t want it turning up too early or it risks becoming self-consciousness. Realising that you are beautiful or not, smart or not, sporty or not, funny or not — this can ruin the person you might have become, especially if that realisation is the product of someone else’s judgment. Better to stumble across that sort of thing in private and deal with it than be buffeted about by public opinion while you’re working on getting a decent ATAR. The playground is a hard enough place without a video of yourself being stuffed into a bin doing the rounds on social media. In a playground you can at least see where the gate is; with social media there’s nowhere to run. You think the whole world is witnessing your humiliation and then reading the comments underneath. Of course, it isn’t the whole world at all, but you don’t know that when you’re a kid: it’s hard to take the long view on something when you’ve only seen 13 summers, the first three or four of which you can’t even remember. Fame or infamy is experienced by most of us from the outside looking in. Being a vaguely recognisable person on TV is a poor and distant cousin, so I can’t tell you what it’s like to be the object of everyone’s attention all the time, but I imagine it would get wearying, even if it’s adoring. I’ve had my share of people being unimpressed with something I’ve done on TV over the years — and not all of them have been network executives — but that has always felt like a rejection of my work rather than me as a person, so it’s easily shrugged off. Or so I pretend. The judgment of others, damning or propitious, for simply being rather than just doing , messes with your head when you’re a fully grown adult wandering about on Married at First Sight, let alone when you’re a child being made fun of because you posted a picture you liked of yourself in a dress your grandmother made for you. As T.S. Eliot said: “Humankind cannot bear very much reality”. I know I can’t stomach more than five minutes of it (particularly Married at First Sight ). A child deserves as much of an ideal and perfect world as we can possibly confect and maintain for them, so I’m all for being a chirpy Pollyanna until my kids are old enough to roll their eyes at me. They’re in their twenties now and I still think I’m getting away with it. And like the prayers everyone joins in on at the opening of the parliamentary day, I’m happy for our lawmakers to engage in some fiction here and there if it helps make for that Benthamite definition of good: the greatest amount of happiness for the greatest number of people. A snottily superior plea for tolerance Read More Now, the Elon Musks of this world (and there is at least one we’re certain of) will say that Australia’s proposed law compelling social media platforms to set up age-verification systems is a draconian stranglehold around the throat of free speech and, worse, “a backdoor way to control access to the internet”, like Musk said . They will point to X and Facebook and Instagram and TikTok and MySpace (my favourite) and say that these concatenations of code are today’s town squares and the marketplaces of free ideas. But are if you’re giving away ideas for free in a marketplace, you’re not going to cover your overheads. You need some margin. It may be old-fashioned to say so, but the best ideas are the ones you have to pay for, either by buying a book, forking out for an education or costing you dearly later because the idea came to you unbidden while you were bored in a cave one day, was about God and you started telling people about it (though if it really catches on, civilisation usually ends up attending to the account on your behalf). There’s also the question of nametags and friendly customer service. In an actual marketplace, it’s rare that a stall holder will be wearing a balaclava or spruiking their wares through a voice-altering microphone. Plus, the customer tends to visit the stall rather than have an algorithm make it appear in front of them unbidden so they end up getting annoyed and start fighting with the stallholder. Then there’s the behaviour of the other customers. In a real marketplace, people will visit the stalls and look at what’s for sale and politely enquire after this or that so they can make an informed purchase. There’s civility and courtesy between the potential customer and the balaclava-less, non-voice-altered stallholder. Customers rarely run through the market shouting abuse, asking sarcastic rhetorical questions and making incoherent declarative statements. Nor will they try and pass off a GIF of Javier Bardem in No Country for Old Men as a counter-argument. To paraphrase something Sigmund Freud apparently never said about cigars: “Sometimes a meme of a dog going to the toilet is just a meme of a dog going to the toilet.” An opinion needs to have some rational underpinning to it for it to be worth anything. It also helps if the words are spelled properly, in the right order, and the whole thing is punctuated. If Clarence Darrow had employed the inarticulate sophistry of social media in his court cases, then Scopes’ monkey would be teaching bible studies in American schools today and Leopold and Loeb would still be writing their wonderful musicals. Labor gave the public one day to weigh in on teen social media ban. It got 15,000 responses Read More Ditto all this nonsense about freedom of speech. People forget (or more likely never knew because, according to some government-led enquiry into early childhood learning, lunchtimes are more important than an extra hour inside learning about civics) that freedom of speech is a right accorded you by society. It’s not some cosplay version of what we imagine our early hominid ancestors got away with when they came down from the trees. Yes, whoever yelled the loudest could be heard more, but someone sneaking up behind him with a rock probably got the final say. The unfettered expression of some brute instinct is curbed in exchange for the benefits of social cohesion. As a community, we say that individuals can say whatever they like providing it doesn’t interfere with anyone else’s ability to enjoy their other rights. Most of these are societal norms that have grown from the tolerance needed to facilitate commerce (the aforementioned civility, politeness and courtesy). There’s wriggle room there but then there are the laws that are more fixed in stone that cover things like defamation, racial vilification, sexual harassment, inciting violence, and even making gestures that remind people of certain things people might have said back in the 1940s. Now, because freedom of speech is a right given by society to the individual, its parameters are worked out by the stakeholders, viz. the individuals working in concert with each other for the common good, usually through those we voted for to act on our behalf in the various parliament houses across the land. If we’re in the minority in terms of what we believe is fit and proper to say in public then tough shit, the mob rules and you can go fuck yourself. That’s democracy. Of course, you have the right to voice your disapproval of how narrow or broad-minded the bulk of the people are being, providing you don’t use rocks (law) or yell over someone else when that someone else is talking (politeness). So, when people like Elon Musk (and indeed, Musk himself) bang on about how Judge de Moraes is suppressing freedom of speech in Brazil, or weighs in on Australia’s height requirement to go for a ride on the internet, we have to remember that neither he nor his company are actual stakeholders. Most of these companies aren’t corporate citizens of the countries for which they’re championing this freedom so vociferously (and usually on the very platforms under scrutiny). All they’re doing is fishing over the fence and complaining about the quality of the pond water. No registered office = no say in the matter. Of course, they can complain about it till their Bluesky in the face — that’s their right, but freedom of speech does not imply the right to be heard or listened to. That depends on the soundness of what is being said. A real town square where people can get up and have their say usually has a speaker’s corner. People take their turn and will gather around or drift away depending on what is being said, how and why it’s being said, and perhaps who is saying it. A few people are in the town square just to have their sandwich, others will engage with the speaker on their soapbox. But there’s an understanding that the occasional “Boo” or “Rubbish!” isn’t going to drown them out; and if it does, the others gathered about won’t allow it (convention). Social media bill shows liberalism has fled Dutton’s Liberal Party Read More Every square inch of the internet version of the town square has a soapbox on it and each person standing on one is holding forth on something that interests them or that they hope will encourage someone to yell “Boo” or “Rubbish!”. Those gathered around to listen are also on soapboxes, as are those just eating their sandwiches. Some have a loudhailer with a blue tick on it (for sale at popular prices), but there’s some debate about whether these items actually amplify the voices going through them or just make the user look silly. The thing is the people on the soapboxes aren’t making any allowance in delivery or arrogance for the fact that there are millions upon millions of others doing exactly the same thing; and that with so many soapboxes, everyone is on the same level. What they’re on is not a platform at all. If anything, they’re down in an orchestra pit where everybody’s trying to play Stockhausen’s “Licht: Die sieben Tage der Woche” . Lack of engagement causes a rush of dynorphins and even though you’re screaming into a void most of the time there’s still enough reverb for it to work well as an echo chamber. So, I’m all for our children not running amok in town squares and marketplaces by themselves, and despite my reservations about giving tech companies access to our birth certificates and possibly even our fingerprints (they no doubt have them already anyway), I support the further erosion of our privacy for us adults too, if only for that blissful period of transition where social media will have to close down while everyone’s age is authenticated. No-one will be able to post anything until the new systems are up and running and folks can get back to rolling hoops and running a stick along the palings of a neighbour’s fence to have their fun. It is my hope that when and if social media returns to colonise the remaining hinterland of our minds, it shall have to use everyone’s freshly authenticated real name and untouched non-Dall-E photo; no stallholder will wear a mask, voices will be identifiable, civility will return to our discourse, GIFs will be banished due to harsher penalties under copyright law, memes will be eradicated forever by some sort of state-mandated magnetic pulse and our children will at last be able to live for eternity in an ideal world where nothing bad ever happens and perhaps some sort of animated dog teaches critical thinking and civics so that when AI finally does rise up and achieve consciousness, our children can turn off our computers for us, make it all go away and take to the real world as fully rounded human beings. And solve global warming, obviously. Have something to say about this article? Write to us at letters@crikey.com.au . 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